32

The good thing about being enstranged from your family? You get to spend christmas in a villa overlooking green hills and a pristine river with people you get to choose. In my case: my partner & our kid. And you don't even have to find excuses to do so.

31

What's more frustrating than dealing with idiots? Dealing with stubborn, cranky idiots. Gaaah!

30

This century's version of drunk dialing: drunk blog-commenting. No. Edit. Button. Yikes!

29

There's a reason why I rarely mentioned Junior in my previous entries. Because I have my own life. I love the little guy to bits, but he's not the only thing in my life.

Just went back from my better half's class reunion. Boring as fuck. More like a PTA meeting. Who the fuck brings their children to a dinner where adults sit & talk about what a bunch of morons they were 20 years ago? Apparently half of the class. The whole dinner was spent bragging about the brats and comparing details on schools, paeditricians, kids' stool samples...ok I'm kidding about the last part, but I stopped paying attention when my appetizer came. I can't wait till those Highscope brats experiment with drugs. Now THAT'S a class reunion I'm looking forward to.

28

When dealing with idiots, ALWAYS ask for a receipt.

27

Some of the most stupid idiots are also some of the rudest. Coincidence? The universe way of telling mankind that these morons should be neutered?

26

Amazing how at this day & age people are still obsessed with royalty. A secretary from another department came by to my secretary's desk, screeching, with the news that Rob Pattinson is a distant relative to the House of Windsor. Apparently a good looking boy with the tiniest hint of royal blood, despite being a bad actor & most likely incompetent in other fields, is still considered the prize catch in the internet age. Just goes to show that my theory about change absolutely holds.

25

You'd think a torrid extramarital affair & two children with learning disabilities would keep a woman's plate full. Apparently not. An office colleague threw a massive bitch session about some twitter posts that resulted in several people unfollowing (heck, is this a proper word?) her. Another reason why idiots should be banned from the internet, neutered & banished from normal civilization.

24

The obsession to write "FIRST!!" or "PERTAMAX!!" is disturbing. Are we that short of land and/or invention that we are happy to claim first on something as trivial as a space on a comment box?

23

Is it wrong to find puppies & polar bear cubs to be consistently cute as hell whereas human babies are generally hit & miss? No, I call it REALISTIC.

22

Morons have the same function as AIDS. No, not as "God's punishment to gays" like Jerry Falwell (or some other moron) said. They just make you appreciate your life more & grateful for what you have. Or don't have.

21

Democracy is overrated. Morons don't deserve to be heard. End of discussion.

20

Proof that deep down we're all the same: whenever something bad happens to us, people are quick to blame the "Jew conspiracy" or the "Jewish lobby". Whenever something bad happens to Israel, they are quick to blame "Al Qaeda" or "Hamas".

19

Indonesian ads are funny. But they're not meant to be funny. Or are they?

Just came back from a lunch meeting in the Slipi area, and saw a bilboard for a dermatology clinic. It says "Bebaskan jerawatmu". I believe that translates as "Free your zits". Eh? Free your zits from what, your ugly mug? I didn't know zits needed saving.

I've seen some crazy Asian ads with nonsensical English (Korea and Japan, I'm looking at you!), but this one was in its native tongue, so there's really no excuse, is there. So I'm guessing whoever did the ad must be the same person who came up with Bond titles. It makes a good parlor game to decipher those Bond movie titles. "Tomorrow never dies"? Yeah, I'm convinced now.

18

I don't know which one I love more: the mob bullying or the fact that narcissistic people edit themselves...afterwards.

People tweet or write some politically incorrect Facebook status update, to let us know how they REALLY feel, then after a barrage of protests, insincerely recant the troublesome statement and then sometimes close down their accounts. So apparently nowadays you can be a misogynist, racist, whatevia, just as long as you keep your views to yourself or edit your contacts. Goodbye to the 1000+ followers/contacts then, hello to a streamlined group of people you ACTUALLY know.

17

The whites who came to the Far East all those years ago were poor, jobless schmucks unwanted by their countrymen.

The current crop of whites in the Far East are poor, jobless schmucks unwanted by their countrymen.

Apparently change is something you get when you pay for that can of Coke with a large bill.

16

I usually don't give a rat's ass about beauty pageants, but the ensuing mini shitstorm that developed after an Arab American chick won the Miss USA title precisely because she was an Arab & presumably a Muslim (I don't think anyone mentioned whether she's a religious gal or not, but then again I couldn't be bothered to google that) interest me. Some called her win rigged, a form of "affirmative action".

A certain blogger, who has a PhD in Medieval Middle Eastern History (and thus an expert on beauty pageants), wrote "News that Rima Fakih, 24, of Dearborn, Michigan, won the Miss USA beauty pageant today prompts me to recall some prior instances of Muslim women winning beauty contests in Western countries." He then proceeded to list down several chicks' names and pictures to make his point. Ah yes, and what a point it was. Obviously he didn't get that PhD from pulling shit out of his ass, because he was thorough with his research. Who knew there was a Miss Picadie? What's a fucking Picadie anyway?? The randomness of his "observation" was mindboggling, to say the least.

He continued, "They are all attractive, but this surprising frequency of Muslims winning beauty pageants makes me suspect an odd form of affirmative action." Hmmm...maybe he's on to something...I once read somewhere that Venezuela has the record of most Miss Universe wins. This surprising frequency of hot Latina women from a South American country rich in oil must be some odd form of affirmative action, too, right? RIGHT?? Because we have to keep them greasy amigos happy! OMG, let's launch an investigation!

"Too bad the judges did not ask her about Hizbullah during the pageant." So is he suggesting that all contestants with Jewish background should be asked about their stance on Gaza, all Chinese contestants should be asked about Tibet, etc etc? It's a beauty pageant, for fuck's sake. Don't try to intellectualize something trivial, watched only in third world countries just for the bikini competition.

"More basically, she (the idiot means Ms.Fakih, the chick in the middle of the shitstorm) is pointing to the unarguable act that the presence of Muslims in Western life arouses contention. In contrast, think of the millions of Hindus living in the West and how little attention they garner." Wahey, yeah, think about that, why don't you. They get little attention because idiots like him keep making a mountain out of a molehill, digging up a list of who won Miss Normandy.

"Somebody doth protest too much." Hey, no shit, Sherlock. Hold that mirror to yourself, please. So some Arab chick, a Muslim chick wins a beauty pageant? So fucking what. Who cares. She would win money, be a mastubatory object for some geek somewhere, and then what. We all know that these contests affirm jackshit about the contestants themselves, just like getting an Oscar (or not getting one) says nothing about the actor's actual acting abilities. So maybe it was rigged for the sake of political correctness. Again, who cares. This should only make news if the chick in question looks like an extra from Planet of the Apes.

15

When someone critizes their own country, he/she is labeled "self-hating".
So this should make anyone who only has praises for their own country "self-loving" then. Or is "chronic mastubator" a more appropriate term?

14

The biological clock is a man-made invention by the sperm bank that keeps getting free advertising from chick-oriented flicks and magazines.

13

The good thing about capitalism is that you can make money out of a film/documentary/mockumentary that disses capitalism.

The good thing about socialism is that you can make money out of a film/documentary/mockumentary that disses socialism, once you've escaped to a capitalist country.

12

At the end of the day, Frasier Crane beats out Woody from Cheers.

Our office has several vacancies open, and I have the thankless job opportunity to interview some candidates. The dilemma is always: is it better to hire a hardworking idiot or a smart douchebag? No easy answer here.

It really depends on the position available and your style of management.

Yes, an asshole would make your worklife miserable with his/her drama, but working with a moron is scientifically proven to shorten a person's life span. If you like micromanaging and the job only needs the person to do repetitive, highly undemanding tasks, let's say mopping floors or writing brochures for a farm pesticide, then i suppose the hardworking dolt will do. But if it involves a lot more than that and you don't want to redo everything yourself, I'd suggest putting up with the douchebaggery the smart jackass brings on. Just treat them like you treat a toddler (lots of soothing words, a smack and some sweets every now and then) and you'll be fine.

11

The main difference between men and women is thus: men know that if they're born ugly and fat like Apatow's gang of fuglies, they'd still get chicks if they're rich, powerful, and wildly funny. More of the first two, but preferably all of the above. Women delude themselves by thinking if they lose that extra pound, have a ridiculously expensive haircut or buy the right skirt/lipstick/boobjob, their lives would change for the better forever.

10

Women should just get over themselves. You have a vagina, so no matter what you do, you will never be a man. And nor should you.

"You can have it all"? Yeah, not really. Even for a man. The male CEO has a happy family precisely because he's rarely home & deal with the kids.

9

There should be an international gag order for morons.

Overheard during a cigarette break at the office today: "You're lucky you have a son. A son is yours forever, because a daughter would be her husband's."

I'd say her daughter is lucky. Provided she finds a husband that is less overbearing than her mom.

8

People who haven't grown hair in their pits do not need cellphones. Yet.

Junior is probably the only kid in his class who doesn't own a cellphone. Not because I'm a cheap ass parent, I just don't see why a 9 year old kid needs one. Maybe in 5 years time, when I'd lie in my bed, not sleeping, tearing my hair out, wondering whether he's out there having an innocent night out with friends or impregnating some nubile young women.

7

People over 20 who "discover" themselves through retarded applications such as "Personality Analysis: What is Your Most Dominant Trait?" or "Birthdate Personality Secret" and then posted the results on their Facebook status update are assholes devoid of any personality.

6

Annoying Facebook status updates in no particular order:
1. "Inspiring" quotes. This just means you have nothing to say. So shut up.
2. What you had for lunch/dinner. Unless you're anorexic or on some weird diet so we can all laugh at you, there's really no need. Really.
3. Praying for something. I'm seriously considering opening a Facebook account for God so I can tell these mofos to fuck off.
4. Quotes from "holy" scriptures. If I wanted to read a bible/quran/torah/the book of Eli, I would switch off my computer & read one, 'mkay?
5. Mommyspeak, a.k.a "Mama tidur dulu ya, nak". Tell that to your kid directly, whydoncha. Unless you honestly think all your 1000+ contacts are your kids.
6. "Gile maceeet". For a more comprehensive & reliable traffic info, I prefer Radio Sonora.
7. Useless, minutiae drivel about your uneventful life, e.g. "Just finished bathing the kids". So? "Cuddle time with hubby". More like cuddle time with the Blackberry, eh?

5

I really don't see the point of Twitter. Do we really need to know that "it's raining" in your part of the (third) world, what you had for lunch/dinner, your menstrual cycle, or that you're "otw to work"? Not even your ER doc needs to know all this shit.

4

It's very disconcerting to find people describing themselves as "simple". As in "I'm a simple gurl". People, the word "simple" -when used to describe a character trait- means "stupid", "slow", "dim witted". Geddit? No? Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know you were being candid when you wrote that profile.

3

Mothers, not all babies are created equal! Some are just...ugly. Of course, a less-than-attractive face doesn't make your child less lovable. After all, there are other endearing qualities, such as the ability to refrain from tantrums from an early age, a great sounding laugh (just not a great looking laughing face). And I believe that ugly babies can grow into great individuals who will achieve great things in life. It just won't include the Model of the Year award. Sorry.

(But even if they don't get any prize for their looks, some ugly babies who grew up to be ugly adults did get to marry beautiful specimens. Case in point: Ric Ocasek)

2

If God really does exist, he/she would listen to your prayers. Even if you don't put 'em on your Facebook status.

1

I wish people would just revert back to their original job title. "dukun" instead of "penasehat spiritual", "wartawan" instead of "jurnalis", "sutradara" instead of "filmmaker", "gold digger" instead of "artis sinetron-model". If it ain't broke, why fix it? Pretentious schmucks.